Midnight Thoughts Amid this Chaos - A marking of my life story to my future self.

Well, it is almost midnight of Oct 14, 2026.

I am not able to sleep. I do not know if I have a blank mind right now or it is filled with thoughts. On my left there are some folded cothes with a table lamp across those clothes facing the wall making sure it lightens the room and does not face my eyes but still brigtens the room, also making sure it does not make the room super bright.

Also there is a chinese evergreen in a pot that is oversized for that table but I really love keeping that plant around. There are several other things in my table and in the other table in my left I described to explain with folded clothes, lights and pot earlier.

I am running out of words. I wanna sleep, there is sleep in my eyes but seems like my mind does not want me to sleep. It is making me think of this present moment in life where I wanna stop everything and reset. But there is no way I can do it. I cannot reset everything like the Minecraft worlds I make and delete it whenever there are many of them or want to play in a new one. I am in the middle of this my company building phase where I am feeling helpless, it seems like every doors seems to be closed, every way seems to disappear. But at the mean time, I do not know what force inside me it taking me forward, something inside me saying I can do it, I just need to wait.

But waiting, is something that cannot be done. Currently the pressure is from all sides. A lot of things are pending, many are seeking answers from me, many are seekings actions from me, many are seeking replies from me. I am hiding from everything, because I feel helpess. I am avoiding everyone for whom I do not have answers. But still my brain says everything is going to be fine, smile a little, work a little and just wait for the time.

I do not how I can be so calm at this situation where things are so messed up. To be really really honest I am really suprised of myself. In this condition, where things are super low, nothing is moving, every effort and everything is leading to zero progress I do not know how my brain is staying positive and optimisitc.

I do not know how I am going to clear this mess and clear this fast but my guts says that I will find a way. I am trying to find it. I am working to get this done in all the way possible. But mixture of hope and tierdness of my body both is taking toll in me. It is giving me stress and making me feel imobile and just making my head blank. Today I stayed whole day watching the clouds and thinking of ways how I can solve the problems I am in. But see here I am sitting in front of my laptop searching for ways of how I can sort this.

It is said that you never let the world see you pain, but I just wanted to draft a journal of the day and put it as a reminder in my website of how I was, what I am facing. I am at my lowest full od debts, full of struggles and after 5 years when I come back and read this blog let’s see what have really changed in my life. This is a marking of my life story for my future self.