MY ADHD, stress, anxiety and out of focus state
I feel I have a serious degree of ADHD.
It is October 27, 10:56 PM, currently right now, when I have started to write this.
And I thought let’s write something today. I do not know what I should be writing about. I am in front of my laptop typing this right now.
Millions of thoughts are passing by me, and my focus is distracted all over the place. You know how it is with ADHD and all.
Each time I am thinking about writing about something my brain is surging with a new idea. My brain is just telling me to present this, and a second passes and it says present that. It is searching for perfection, it is trying to make sure the way I write this piece, it should be perfect.
A chase of perfection is rushing in my brain. It is trying to make sure whatever the prediction it has been doing everything comes true. It is making sure that I write about everything I am thinking of but less it knows that it cannot be covered. Less it knows that it is just a need that it has been looking after.
It wants attention but at the same time it wants to move away from it. It is in the exact state of duality of what to do and what not to do and flipping those both sides every moment. Like a volleyball goes from one side of the court to the other side, my mind is saying do a thing and another moment it is saying not a good idea, and at the same time imagine that with the hundred and hundreds of thoughts, it is basically taking the toll of the brain and I have a headache now.
I am super stressed I think. And letting everything out does help, that is what I have known from everything I have read about stress and anxiety. But the dilemma is what is there to let go at all, I am not able to understand what is that, I am grabbing so hard that it is needed to let go. Why am I so unaware ? And of what ?
Well ! I think that is all ADHD is about. I clearly know at this moment I need to get to that bed and go to sleep. But I can’t. Nothing is disturbing me right now, there is complete silence, but still for some reason I am not able to go to that bed just a few feet away from me and rest there and sleep.
I have stopped typing right now. It is 11:10 PM right now. I am thinking and reading this whole thing I have written till now above this line and thinking why did I even write it. Should I write about something entirely again, delete these all words and start over. Why did I even choose this exact emotion to write about ?
It is 11:15 PM and I feel like I should stop here for today and write about something else or in future change the format of my writing so I can write with more clarity and introspect myself to get a better idea of what really is taking me towards this stress, anxiety and out of focus state.